I should be dead

First off, I am sorry I haven’t kept up with this blog. The job hunt (albeit, an unsuccessful one) has been keeping me fairly busy. Well, that and watching Supernatural on Netflix. However, I’m writing this because it’s to dang important not to write. Anywhoo, I’m going to cut the crap and get to it.


Because 9 years ago today, I was supposed to commit suicide

Warning: There is going to be some very dark imagery here. You have been warned.

Yes, I had it all planed out. Where I was going to do it, the knife I was going to use to kill myself, everything. I had the perfect plan. I thought “All my pain and suffering is finally going to end.”
Now obviously, I didn’t go through with it. Why? Not because I suddenly realized how great my life was (it wasn’t), not because of my own willpower. I am alive today because of one reason.

As a broken man, I cried my eyes out in a bathroom at Advent, I finally realized that just how messed up I was. And then I said JESUS, IF YOU ARE REALLY REAL, THEN FIX ME. IF YOU REALLY ARE LORD, THEN REIGN IN ME AND HEAL MY PAIN. COME ON GOD, COME ON!!!

The one reason I’m alive today has a name. His name is Jesus Christ.

Before I go any further, here’s how I got to that moment. This is from an old blog that I wrote a few years back.


My life before I knew Christ was full of ups and downs. My parents were divorced since I was 5, but they both treated me with nothing but love. However, when I went to school, it was a completely different story. I was often picked on by other kids because of my height and weight. I was always teased as the “fat kid” by everyone else. I also was very shy, meaning that I didn’t have very many friends when I was young. Even though they were divorced, both my parents went to Advent Lutheran Church in Maple Grove, Minnesota. Naturally, they pushed me through Sunday school. Honestly, I only went because my parents made me. But I did enjoy it somewhat, and I always thought God seemed like a nice guy. This continued until I was 13.

The events that led to my conversion to Christ were extremely dark times. When I was 13, I met some friends named Zack and Chad. I was so happy I finally had some good friends. All was good for about a year, and then things went bad quickly. In 8th grade, Zack decided to start treating me very badly. He started telling me how stupid I was, and got other people to join in too. As a frail teenage boy, this hurt me extremely deeply. I became extremely depressed, and stopped trying in school. I also turned to pornography to try to feel better. After going through this for about two months, I decided one night I wanted to commit suicide. Chad, the one friend I still had, talked me out of this. In my sickness, I decided that Zack had caused all this pain, and killing him was the only way it would end. Over the next few months, I thought of ways to do it. One Monday afternoon, I decided that I would do it that Saturday night after I got back from a church retreat. Looking back, it is obvious how depressed and messed up I was.

That Friday, I made plans to hang out with Zack at my house that Saturday night. While he was sleeping, I planned on killing him, and then immediately killing myself. However, I had an overnight church retreat. It was fairly typical, and I still can’t remember what it was about. At the end, our church’s youth pastor J.C., decided to play some worship. And when he did, he played a song called “Lord, Reign in Me.” In the song, the singer asks God to take control of them in their darkest hour, and to reign over their lives. I was completely paralyzed by the Holy Spirit during the song. And at that moment, I realized just how sick I was and how desperately I need a savior. I then ran into the Church’s bathroom and started crying my eyes out. I then asked God to take control of my life, because I obviously couldn’t do things right myself. I ended up going home and sleeping that night. I had asked God to take control of my life. On Saturday, February 21, 2004, I began my journey towards Christ.

And He did heal me. It didn’t get better right away. I still struggled with school, and I still got picked on. But, in his mercy, Christ decided to bless me with friendships that lasted a lifetime. I became closer than ever with Chad, who’s still one of my best friends to this day. I met Nick, who I EVENTUALLY became best friends with (long, funny story there). Finally, he blessed me with Jared, who ended up leading me to formally accept Christ about a year later. Jared is still my best friend, and has done more for me than I can ever possibly say. The most important thing Jesus gave me was hope in Him. Hope that no matter how tough things got, he was always there with me. Hope that no weapon formed against me by the devil shall prosper. Hope that he had a plan for me beyond my wildest dreams. And finally, hope that when others mocked me, I knew how much Jesus loved me.

This isn’t my story. This is how God used me in his story. I didn’t climb out of my own personal hell; I was pulled out of it by the man that conquered death itself. Friends, if you are hurting, lay your cares upon the Lord. He cares for you. He loves you. He wants to help you. We cannot get ourselves out of our own messes. Only He can.

After all, I’ve seen firsthand: Jesus is always there to save you, no matter how deep of a pit you’re in.

I’ll leave you with these songs:

After The World: Disciple- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eConC09RBmE

How He Loves: David Crowder-http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2FxaUYjRtkc

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