I should be dead

First off, I am sorry I haven’t kept up with this blog. The job hunt (albeit, an unsuccessful one) has been keeping me fairly busy. Well, that and watching Supernatural on Netflix. However, I’m writing this because it’s to dang important not to write. Anywhoo, I’m going to cut the crap and get to it.

Why?

Because 9 years ago today, I was supposed to commit suicide

Warning: There is going to be some very dark imagery here. You have been warned.

Yes, I had it all planed out. Where I was going to do it, the knife I was going to use to kill myself, everything. I had the perfect plan. I thought “All my pain and suffering is finally going to end.”
Now obviously, I didn’t go through with it. Why? Not because I suddenly realized how great my life was (it wasn’t), not because of my own willpower. I am alive today because of one reason.

As a broken man, I cried my eyes out in a bathroom at Advent, I finally realized that just how messed up I was. And then I said JESUS, IF YOU ARE REALLY REAL, THEN FIX ME. IF YOU REALLY ARE LORD, THEN REIGN IN ME AND HEAL MY PAIN. COME ON GOD, COME ON!!!

The one reason I’m alive today has a name. His name is Jesus Christ.

Before I go any further, here’s how I got to that moment. This is from an old blog that I wrote a few years back.

 

My life before I knew Christ was full of ups and downs. My parents were divorced since I was 5, but they both treated me with nothing but love. However, when I went to school, it was a completely different story. I was often picked on by other kids because of my height and weight. I was always teased as the “fat kid” by everyone else. I also was very shy, meaning that I didn’t have very many friends when I was young. Even though they were divorced, both my parents went to Advent Lutheran Church in Maple Grove, Minnesota. Naturally, they pushed me through Sunday school. Honestly, I only went because my parents made me. But I did enjoy it somewhat, and I always thought God seemed like a nice guy. This continued until I was 13.


The events that led to my conversion to Christ were extremely dark times. When I was 13, I met some friends named Zack and Chad. I was so happy I finally had some good friends. All was good for about a year, and then things went bad quickly. In 8th grade, Zack decided to start treating me very badly. He started telling me how stupid I was, and got other people to join in too. As a frail teenage boy, this hurt me extremely deeply. I became extremely depressed, and stopped trying in school. I also turned to pornography to try to feel better. After going through this for about two months, I decided one night I wanted to commit suicide. Chad, the one friend I still had, talked me out of this. In my sickness, I decided that Zack had caused all this pain, and killing him was the only way it would end. Over the next few months, I thought of ways to do it. One Monday afternoon, I decided that I would do it that Saturday night after I got back from a church retreat. Looking back, it is obvious how depressed and messed up I was.

That Friday, I made plans to hang out with Zack at my house that Saturday night. While he was sleeping, I planned on killing him, and then immediately killing myself. However, I had an overnight church retreat. It was fairly typical, and I still can’t remember what it was about. At the end, our church’s youth pastor J.C., decided to play some worship. And when he did, he played a song called “Lord, Reign in Me.” In the song, the singer asks God to take control of them in their darkest hour, and to reign over their lives. I was completely paralyzed by the Holy Spirit during the song. And at that moment, I realized just how sick I was and how desperately I need a savior. I then ran into the Church’s bathroom and started crying my eyes out. I then asked God to take control of my life, because I obviously couldn’t do things right myself. I ended up going home and sleeping that night. I had asked God to take control of my life. On Saturday, February 21, 2004, I began my journey towards Christ.

And He did heal me. It didn’t get better right away. I still struggled with school, and I still got picked on. But, in his mercy, Christ decided to bless me with friendships that lasted a lifetime. I became closer than ever with Chad, who’s still one of my best friends to this day. I met Nick, who I EVENTUALLY became best friends with (long, funny story there). Finally, he blessed me with Jared, who ended up leading me to formally accept Christ about a year later. Jared is still my best friend, and has done more for me than I can ever possibly say. The most important thing Jesus gave me was hope in Him. Hope that no matter how tough things got, he was always there with me. Hope that no weapon formed against me by the devil shall prosper. Hope that he had a plan for me beyond my wildest dreams. And finally, hope that when others mocked me, I knew how much Jesus loved me.

This isn’t my story. This is how God used me in his story. I didn’t climb out of my own personal hell; I was pulled out of it by the man that conquered death itself. Friends, if you are hurting, lay your cares upon the Lord. He cares for you. He loves you. He wants to help you. We cannot get ourselves out of our own messes. Only He can.

After all, I’ve seen firsthand: Jesus is always there to save you, no matter how deep of a pit you’re in.

I’ll leave you with these songs:

After The World: Disciple- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eConC09RBmE

How He Loves: David Crowder-http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2FxaUYjRtkc

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The First Venture into a Brand New World

Hello, my name is Ryan Hoyt. I’m a 23 year old college graduate who just received a Bachelor’s in History from Northwestern College.

Wait, you knew that already? Great! If not, then it’s a pleasure to make your acquiantance!

As you can tell, i’m staring a brand new blog. I’ve tied this blog thing before, with some pretty mixed results (http://mindofrwhoyt.blogspot.com/). However, this blog is going to be far more different, because I am dead set on making this blog legitimate. I am going to take this thing seriously, and I couldn’t be more thrilled about it.

Some of you are probably wondering: Why are you all of a sudden starting a new blog, and WHY SO SERIOUS? (Sorry, had to. If you don’t know i’m a huge Batman geek now, you will eventually.) My reasons for creating this blog has a lot to do with what’s been on my mind lately. That being the age old question: What do I wanna do with my life? It’s something everyone goes through, and something I dealt with the last few months as I approached graduation. For the last year and a half i’ve known I was majoring in history and that was about it. What could I do with a degree like that. For the longest time I thought I would go into teaching. Heck, I was even an education major at one point.  ut the more I started to pursue that path, the less it appealed to me. It wasn’t the working with kids part of teaching that was unappealing, it was everything else. Lesson plans, meetings, and grading papers started to sound like an alternative form of torture, not something I could be passionate about. There wasn’t a lot of things I could do with a my degree that appealed to me. The closer and closer I got to graduating the more I freaked out. It was all starting to get to me. I prayed for some kind of guidance and direction

Thankfully, God decided to answer my prayers. At Northwestern, we would have chapel every morning. A couple weeks before graduation, a man named Jon Acuff spoke in chapel. On this day, Jon asked us a serious question: What if your dream job was a realistic possibility? Jon had been stuck a a dead end job, always feeling like he was meant to do more. Eventually, he lift his job and created the famous blog “Stuff Christians Like.” What he said after telling this story was what really struck me. He said “Figuring out what I felt called to do in life wasn’t like a light bulb turning on and me realizing something new. No, it was much more like re-discovering an old friend. It’s not learning to do something new, it’s doing something that you’ve always loved.” Upon hearing that, I felt like I had just taken a roundhouse kick to the stomach. I knew what it was that I had loved since I was a kid. I knew how I could use the skills I developed as a history major. I knew what it was I wanted to do with the rest of my life.

I wanted to write

I’ve loved to write ever since I was a kid. I’d write stories about far off lands and magical adventures. As I grew into a teenager, I started keeping a journal. When I got even older, I moved into other forms of creative writing. Since the start of high school I’ve written many poems and songs (some of which are quite embarrassing). I’ve always loved to write. I love doing so for one simple reason: I love putting words into form and telling a story.

This really manifested itself in college. Any college student is going to tell you that as an undergrad, you have to write a plethora of papers. Especially us history majors. In fact, that’s basically what we do. but here’s the weird thing. When everyone else is complaining about having to write a paper, I actually didn’t mind. It wasn’t just that I didn’t mind writing research papers, it’s that I loved doing it. I loved reading and researching original sources. I loved using the sources to tell one of history’s many wonderful stories. I recently wrote my senior seminar paper on Robespierre, which had to be a minimum of 20 pages. While others found that number nauseating, I could have easily written twice that. I loved writing. Anyways, rewinding back to Jon Acuff’s message. Upon re-realizing my love of writing, my dream job didn’t seem like a crazy scenario anymore. I said to myself:

“What if I actually could become a journalist. Even a sports journalist?”

This dream job didn’t seem so crazy. But I didn’t want to do radio (my voice sounds funny) and I didn’t want to do tv (my voice sounds funny AND my face looks funny). No. What I want to do is put words to paper and tell a story.

Upon this revelation, I prayed on it. And slept on it. Which brings me to yesterday, which is when I realized that this is absolutely the path that I want to pursue. It might mean more schooling (which means more loans), but I want that. Plus, I feel as though my history degree has absolutely prepared me to follow this point. Writing about history and doing journalism aren’t that different. Journalism writes about recent events and tries to analyze them, which is very similar to historical writing (albeit much more recent). As my friend Jared said, “journalism is just writing about future history happening in the present.” Many of my favorite writers have started out as history majors, including Bob Ryan, one of my favorite sportswriters. I intend to follow this same path.

This brings me back to the hypothetical question posed at the beginning of this blog. Why am I now restarting a blog? Simply put, experience. I want to get even better at this writing thing. The things I write on this blog will reflect the kinds of things I would like to write as a journalist. I’ll write a lot about sports. I’ll write a lot about news and current events. Heck, i’ll even write about life, the opposite sex and Jesus. It’s my hope that this blog can have something for everyone. So unless you hate sports and are atheistic, apathetic and asexual, (basically if you’re Sheldon Cooper) then this a blog for you!

I seriously can’t tell you guys how excited I am for this, and I hope you like it as much as I do. Any kind of feedback you want to give me is greatly appreciated. If you think I’m an idiot, please feel free to tell me so. I am going to keep doing this for a long time, but feedback would make this oh so much more fun. Thank you for taking the time to read this and starting this journey with me!

TTFN, Ta Ta For Now!

Ryan Hoyt

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